Thepunkguy

Since I am a freelancer, many of my days are spent working while the other days are spent catching up on all the TV that I like and miss during my sometimes hectic work week. Everytime I hit the DVR, I find something that either makes me reconsider my thought process or something that really grinds my gears. So I figured I would write about them in a segment I am calling DEMONS in the DVR. Here is the first entry:

1. While watching the Colbert Report, the one with Bill O’Reilly on it, I noticed that my DVR kept stopping on these new Quizno’s ads. The ones that are made intentionally to destroy DVRS cause it’s just a single screen, saying something about a new Mesquite BBQ / Avocado soup or something! QUIZNO’S, I used to like you before you came between me and my DVR. Stop messing with it! Make real commercials or I am going to ostracize you and start prank calling all your tristate locations.! This is the reason that I already banned DEWARS!

2. While watching SNL from Saturday night, I noticed two things. One: whomever was the sound operator on that show, should be fired immediately. The sound cut out for almost 30 seconds during one skit and then for the first 45 seconds of one of AFI’s songs. Not that I really missed those 45 seconds but come on, haven’t you guys been doing this show for like 30 years? Get the mics checked. Two: Why is Unicorn not Unihorn? Does anyone have a good answer for me?
thanks.

Now I know my friends Joe and Milk will both bitch to me about this posting but come on guys, you are both from over here and you know that most of this is true. Admit it once and for all. If you do, I won’t ever bitch about it again.
So we don’t have to talk about this anymore, REASONS I HATE LA:

1. the new MTV show Twenty Four Seven.

2. the old MTV show Laguna Beach.

3. traffic (not the movie)

4. cause when people say there is great weather, nature and the beach, that also applies to Orlando Florida! And you wouldn’t live there!

5. during CMJ I ran into someone from LA who is the music ‘industry’, he manages a major star, and when I mentioned all the bands I was seeing, he looks at me blankly, as if to say, he doesn’t know who or what I am talking about and then says, ‘hey you going to the show we are sponsoring later?’ I say,’who’s playing? ‘ he says… ‘I don’t remember.’ ugh.

6. Brett Ratner

7. all the culture it has

8. it keeps stealing all my friends

9. A city that perpetuates this.

10. Doing research about LA, I found this little diddy: Famous songs about LA include:

* “Born in East LA”
* “I Love LA”

11. cause driving in a car is not supposed to be an excursion when you live in a city.

12. cause for all the nature, weather and beach it has, people barely take advantage of it.

13. cause 2am is not an acceptable time to stop drinking.

14. you are not what you own.

15. cause a friend of mine told me, way before Swingers came out, that he went to a party and a girl went up and asked him “What kind of car do you drive?”

16. Rampant materialism and waste.

17. casting (see this one bothers me a lot since I work in casting and I can always tell what shows have been cast in LA. I mean look at a show like LOST or HEROES, both shows I love but I think the cast is SO LA. Don’t you think?)

18. cause only in LA could they throw out a decent politician and replace him with Awnold.

(to make this fair) REASONS I HATE NYC:

1. Shitty weather

2. Materialism and elitism (yes i see the irony here)

3. Almost no nature anywhere

4. it’s dirty here

5. my friends from LA don’t live here

6. film work is not as predominant as LA.

7. we are not the porn central of the US

Once again, let me say, the opinions expressed in this posting are of just one person and most of them are sweeping generalizations. Not to mention, they were written by a sour old man who has never been loved by his parents.

Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

An open letter to my upstairs neighbor,

As much of a fan of Chris Brown and Gwen Stefani that I am, I am going to have to ask you to stop blasting them at 1am on a Wednesday night. I know the concept of other people in the world besides you and your friends is a hard one to hear but please try to listen to something besides thumping bass and the usual vapidness of your friend’s rhetoric. Please.

As you may or may not know, there are other people in this city besides you and your NYU friends. They inhabitat the very same streets you spit your gum on and walk by you everyday while you purchase your Prada sunglasses with your Daddy’s money. They may not look as cute as you and may not care about the guy you met on JDate but they exist. I swear.

The day you moved into our wonderful apartment building, I was unusually excited. I thought anyone could be better than the 90 year old woman who lived above prior. She once left the bathtub overflow while she lazily walked around her place. It wasn’t until I thought it was raining in my apt that I knew I needed to go up and possibly see if she had died in her bath. Fortunately, she was not dead. She had just forgot she was running a bath. Later she left me a thank you letter and a half eaten box of Milk Duds in a plastic bag on my doorknob. Maybe she wasn’t so bad.

Anyway, when you moved it, I thought, “Cool, young people. New friends, maybe.” However what I didn’t consider was the possibility of you practicing the 100 meter dash in heels or you singing along to Lionel Richie at 240am on a school night.

I always thought you were the least of my problems when it came to the Axis of Evil Neighbors. I mean you rarely play beer pong outside of my windown while smoking pot and drinking outside every night above the 45 degree weather mark. However, Apt 1 has decided to take the request of our management to shut the fuck up. Unfortunately, you did not seem to get that letter. Even when it was posted next to the vomit that sat in our stairwell for over a week.

Now as much as I would like to entertain the fantasy I had last night of coming up to your apartment with a loaded paintball gun and blasting you and your friends while you insipidly discussed your math grades, I choose only to write you this.

However, next time you run around in clogs, dance to TI or fucking bowl in the apt above mine, I am going to go upstairs and slap you across the mouth with my down comforter and knock those Gucci glasses of your face.

Thank you.
Management.

A long rant about Airline Travel. If you like check out my other longish rant about Florida. thanks.

Let me tell you one thing about travel, I think there is only one way to do it correctly. Not that it always works out for me in that proper way but at least I know what I am doing. I also travel quite a bit. Below is about my travel TO Chicago this weekend.

I leave work early on Friday night to try to get to LaGuardia in time for my 6pm flight to Chicago. When I arrive at the airport, there is an unbelievable line in the American Airlines area. I walk over to get in my “no bags, self check in line”… It spits out a pass that says I am trying to board too early. I look at my flight, it says it is on Saturday now. What?? I find my flight on the board and it says CANCELLED! what? huh? er….

The picture is the two lines intersecting somewhere near the abandoned Au Bon Pain..

One line wraps all the way around the terminal, the other one is security. The family in front of me, obviously has never flown before. (Do I take my laptop out? Mom, take off your watch. Should I take off these steel toed workman boots? Wait, you need to see my boarding pass? Etc.)

C’mon on people, I enjoy being in planes and getting to my destination but I don’t’ like to spend more time in airports than I have to.

Some quick rules to airport travel.

A. Before you get to the security line, take off anything that might set off the alarm, I haven’t had an alarm go off on me in like ten years. Put your shit in a bag, including belts, jewelry and shit.

B. Don’t ever check luggage if you don’t have to. The line was maybe an hour and half just to check in luggage. Guys, don’t over do it. A weekend can fit in one bag.

C. If it is 5am and you are online with 8 other very tired looking people, don’t fuckin’ scream on your cell phone to someone somewhere in the airport, promising them you will pick up fuckin’ pretzels.

D. Fuck the airport. Honestly, these airlines, don’t give a fuckin’ shit about the consumer.

So I know this last one sounds harsh but I was on the phone with a “manager” in Tucson Friday night, talking to me about how he can’t give me a voucher for my lost time, money or sanity. I had to pay for a room (100.00), a ticket to the pitchfork preshow (30.00) and two extra taxis (50.00) that’ll I never see or get back. Maybe over there in Tucson, they can afford to just throw away 200.00 but me the freelancer, can’t. Of course, they used this bullshit line, “Act of God… blah blah blah…”

Well first of all, I’m atheist. Don’t pull this shit with me. If I am late for an appointment, I don’t say, “Act of God, sorry, God didn’t want me to get up on time.”

Tell me, if the weather sucks so much how is it possible that other airlines got people to Chicago? Or how my friend got to Chicago 4 hours before me. They cancelled ALL FLIGHTS to Chicago ALL NIGHT. Was there some sort of super-storm surrounding Chicago last night that I didn’t hear about?

So as I talk to Mr. Anthony Barnett in Tucson, I say, ‘I am on planes all the time with open seats, how about you give me a voucher and I can take one of those seats? It’s not like I am asking for a check for 200 dollars? ‘

Or how about that I flew over 80,000 miles with American over the last 3 years and that maybe I should be treated like a valued customer? Or how about I am just fuckin’ pissed and need to be treated like a human and not a fuckin’ bill of sale.

He says “How about you don’t ask me for something, you don’t deserve?”

Holy Shit, back up before I kill you. I am this close to going to visit my mom in Tucson and stopping by your fuckin’ office and shitting all over it and fist fucking your chest cavity.

Then he starts with how the airline has lost money and all that. “Did you get paid this week? “ Would you lose your job if you gave me a voucher?”

Yes and No. Sir.

’So it’s personal?’ GRRRR!!!

He also tells me how his company would be losing more money if they continued to give away free money to those who didn’t deserve it. Well, Mr. Anthony Barnett, don’t we have a high opinion of our job? You are sitting in a fuckin’ beige office in Tucson, with a Hang In There poster of a cat on a limb next to your desk, telling me how you are single handedly going to save the sinking ship that is American Airlines by not giving me a 200 dollar voucher.

And I thought doctors were noble occupations.

So I tell this guy I am going to murder him and eat his children and then I get a rescheduled flight for a connecting flight through St Louis.

Did I ever tell you the time where my flight was stuck on the runway for 4 hours? Then they asked us if we wanted to buy a salad for 4 dollars?

American Airlines Update number 1: (written while on plane)

Sometimes when I am walking down the street with a friend, I’ll say something stupid. This actually happens quite a bit. Then my friend will make fun of me. And then they will trip or get shit on or get hit by a bicyclist. What I say next is. “See, Instant Karmatic Response!” I may not believe directly in Karma, I do hope that some of our energy, positive or negative comes back to us in some way.

When I got in the taxi this morning to go to the airport, it was 420am and the cab stunk of gin and tonic. I said Laguardia, please. And looked down and saw a 20 dollar bill. Somewhat delayed Karmatic Response to Mr. Barnett’s shitty attitude. Thanks, Karma Monster.

When I arrive at 440am for my 6am flight, I find out it is delayed, even though it’s already 4am and the plane is parked at the terminal. So why is it delayed? Super storm anyone?

So after waiting 40 minutes to have a runway open up for us to leave, the Pilot comes on and says, Ok we are ready to leave. Please buckle up.

Two minutes later, he comes on and says, it looks like we have been overloaded with too much luggage and we are going to have to sit on the runway while we burn off some fuel so we can reach the correct weight before we leave. Wha? Huh?

It almost seems like I am making this shit up doesn’t it?

I arrived at O’Hare at like 10am so I can see Man Man at like 2p in Union Park….

tired.

Please check out pictures from the Pitchfork show below…

I sit in my dad’s apt in Oakland Park, Florida as I type this. I just drove from Orlando and it took about 2.5 hours. Here are a few things you might not know about Florida;

A. It’s hot here. I mean it’s like high 80′s and humid. Everyone on the radio was saying how ‘pleasant’ it was. The “meteorologist” on TV just joked that it is going to be AC (air conditioner) weather till October. Haha?

B. People abandon their cars on the side of the road, a lot. I don’t know why. I saw about 40 cars, pale and lifeless on the side of the highway.

C. All of Florida, with the possible exception of Miami, is one large, continuing strip mall, filled with Ruby Tuesday’s, TGIF’s, Bennigan’s and Pizza Huts.

D. Bugs run amok here in Florida. Driving 3 hours, I couldn’t see through my windshield. It was sad.

E. “Designer” 150 dollar pair of sneakers are not up to par to the dress code in the Blue Martini bar on a Tuesday in Orlando.

As I walked past the MACY’s parking lot, walking towards the ‘coolest’ bar in Orlando, they told me that I might not be able to get into the bar if I had sneakers on. “But these are expensive.” “It doesn’t matter” they say. So when we arrive, they MAKE ME change my sneakers to put on a 50 dollar pair of Steve Madden ‘brown sh-neakers.’ Huh?

I think I have decided I don’t like Florida that much. And it isn’t just the never ending parade of corporate sponsorship or the humidity or the excessive white pants and obsecity, it is the lack of real and true culture.

I don’t want to be too judgemental here, and if I am, I am sorry, I am just constantly bewildered by people’s willful ignorance. People would rather sit back and let Disney and McDonald’s and 50 Cent spoonfeed them their interests.

See some pictures of Florida here…

I saw about 100 of these.

don’t let a pretty sky fool you…

this is what people do to their cars in FLorida.

this truck was carrying disgruntled workers and ammunition.

So as I drive through the ‘Bugs Bunny type of repeating background’, that is small town Florida, listening to Pelican, I imagine bulldozing the whole thing, building mom and pop Walmarts and spreading Indian Vegetarian places like an urban Johnny Appleseed.

Click to listen to Pelican. Pelican – Drought

It is instrumental metal that makes me want to obliterate it all and start over. If you like any metal at all, listen.