Thepunkguy

So for some reason, that I can’t and won’t be able to ever explain, I DVR’ed “Rock the Cradle” on MTV. Now here’s the thing with me and MTV, we have this real hate / hate relationship. I desperately want to like MTV because back in the day, the network sort of represented my youth. As I learned more and more about music and more and more about film, art and culture, we sort of grew apart, thinking that we might one day reconnect, even in some sort of nostalgic way.

After years and years of us not getting along, I still flip to it once in awhile hoping that something will be different, anything… but nothing.

ANYWHOO… I recently taped “Rock the Cradle” cause I thought (now this is going to sound lame…), I thought Art Garfunkel’s son was going to be on it. And we all know about my love for Paul Simon and the occasional Garfunkel.

This show is basically American Idol for sons / daughters of rock icons. Now let’s say this.. Rock Star / Icon is a pretty relative term. (I mean c’mon, Al B Sure! Maybe homeboy has the best unibrow in music history next to Guy from Fugazi but that hardly makes him a famous musician.) Let’s also say this, I only got through about 20 minutes of the first episode before I turned it off.

My favorite part of the whole show, is that the host, some d bag, keeps talking about how these rising young stars want to make it on their own. How they don’t want to ride the coattails of their famous parents.

Let me give you an example on why this is so funny…

Seacrest Wannabe: “So next up is Lil Al B Sure! He’s a great talent and it’s time to see if he can step out from his Dad’s fame and do it for himself!” Then they cut to Al B Sure! in the audience cheering his son on. “So Lil (is that really this kid’s name? Lil?) are you ready to free yourself from the fame of your Dad, Al B Sure, who’s hits include Love and Tenderness and the Blahity Blah blah??”

Lil: “Yeah.”

Seacrest Douchebag: “So here he is doing a song, that best exemplifies his relationship with his famous father who’s hits include: Shake your Shark and Blahity Blah blah…,”
“Let’s see who can Rock the Cradle!”

WTF?

On top of this.. One of the kid’s name is like Jennifer Amani-Hammer. This is insane. This poor girl wants to be so famous so badly that she took her dad’s pseudonym / rap name / nom de plume. Like “I want to do this on my own.” So I am going to call myself Hammer. Which is a made up name to begin with. Ugh.

DUMB!

Here are some more kid’s names we can do while we’re at it:

Jerry Juvenile
Orlando Ice Cube
Prince “Prince” Billie
Moses Coldplay
Francisco Fall Out Boy

Just suggestions. Go ahead run with it. Any more kid’s names? Leave them in the comments.

Ok so I know that I swore I wouldn’t see the film, 10000 BC. But walking around briefly this morning in between a meeting and work, I thought I would check this piece of crap out. And on top of that, Yancy convinced me that we might be able to sneak into another movie AND it’s a matinée, one of the only ones in Manhattan.

(this never happens in the film)

So I dragged my sorry ass to meet him at Kip’s Bay. Let’s say this to begin with, I didn’t have high standards for this movie. The idea that a movie taking place during this time in history and they were still speaking English was enough of a reason for me to not go and see it. But maybe, just maybe, they’d pull a Clear and Present Danger where they start speaking another language and that becomes English or give me some reason why they spoke this yet to be invented language.

Then again, maybe they wouldn’t.

If you haven’t read the novel this movie was based on (kidding), the story deals with some dumb ass post Neanderthal clan living in the snowy mountains. There is a wise woman who tells them that a ‘blue eyed’ girl will come into their lives and change everything. From there, there are journeys down into the valley, through Africa (I think) and then to Egypt or maybe it’s Bayonne NJ, who the fuck knows..

These people are living up in the mountains feeding on what I think is a steady diet of air, loneliness and a once a year hunt of a woolly mammoth.

About 40’s seconds into the movie, we are introduced to this GUY, who I am sure was happy to be cast as something that’s not a terrorist or a bad guy, (check his other credits.) He takes over the tribe after the main kid’s dad takes off to do something that isn’t revealed till later (but never explained why they didn’t tell everyone the truth to begin with). Then the blue eyed chick arrives. Then the main kid, let’s call him Jeff, is bothered by the other children in the tribe cause his dad sucks and like, totally left him, cause he’s like a total dick…

Anyway, Jeff and the blue eyed chick, let’s call her Amber Lynn, talk about puppies and their feelings of loneliness and stare up at the North Star together, holding hands. …

So here I am, 5 minutes into the movie, knowing I could have written better dialogue for it and still wondering why I paid 6 bucks for this disaster. Not only that but I couldn’t help but thinking every time they talked, that all of the words they were speaking didn’t even exist yet.. I.E.

Jeff - “I feel so lonely now that my father was a coward and left the tribe.”

What? Coward? Really, coward? Let’s quickly look up the origin of that word for a moment…

Coward comes from the french word coart, that means to have a tail. Probably originated in 1066.

Fuck you producers, director and writers.

Writers??? Motherfucking TWO writers? It took two writers to come up with this hunk of shit? Honestly, Did both of these guys, Roland Emmerich & Harald Kloser, never take a History class in their life? Did these two assholes use a dartboard and the alphabet to come up with the story for this?

Where did these fucking snatchholes get the permission to make films and spend millions of dollars to do so? I know about 200 real genuine artists, actors and creative people who would die to get there 1 million dollar films made and these douchecocks get to make a movie where they call actors Tic Tic and just say fuck off to every historical event that has ever happened?

Holy shit. Shoot me now. I am going to make a fucking movie that says America was founded by space aliens from China that thought that dogs were the smartest known species and that Abraham Lincoln was a droopy eyed depressed Basset Hound.

You know, I was going to write in detail and depth the 327 reasons I hated this film but let me for time and sanity sake boil it down to these few Historical inaccuracies that really fucking made me hate this cocksucking film…

a. So they spoke English, I mean I had to get over it some time. But the fucking total dick move they pull, is that when the blue eyed girl is stolen they go looking for her and come across this African?? tribe down in the bush that doesn’t speak English, except for ONE person, who seems to speak it fluently, even though he hasn’t had anyone to speak it with for something like ten years. Hey Assholes, if you’re going to make the main tribe speak English, why not have everyone speak English? What sort of sense does this make? Literally, everyone in the film speaks some Mesopotamian bs while these dudes who live WAAAAAY up in the mountains speak fluent fucking English… What?

b. Where the fuck are these people? We start up in the mountains which seem like the Himalayas, cross down into what looks like New Zealand and then over the Mohave Desert and then end up in Egypt. Is this some back to the future meets stargate, time ripple bullshit??

c. Do they eat, ever? There are scenes where they are like walking through the desert for DAYS without them every talking about food. These must be the Llama people of Old Amsterdam who can save food in fatty deposits located all over their body.

d. So woolly mammoths helped build the pyramids? So that’s who did it. Well I heard they are really easily trained. Down Dumbo, now carry this gold tomb up to the top. Good boy, here’s a carrot.

e. When Amber Lynn cries in one of the last scenes, her fucking eyeliner smears. I mean I know back in the day, this existed to some extent but really, eyeliner? She was a slave like two scenes before, do pyramid building slaves where eye shadow to construct tombs??

Whew.. How about this for a word of advice…

Don’t see this film.

I am done. All I need to know in this life is that New York City and all of its film making was invented by Paul Reubens (and the Ecuadorians.)

So much for the facts..

So I don’t know if you know this or not (which I think YOU do)… but I make my money as a casting director. Sometimes I do extras for film or print ads and sometimes I work as a casting director for commercials.

Now sometimes when I tell people this, I am a little embarrassed. Embarrassed, you say? Yes embarrassed. It’s one of those jobs that sound totally luxurious and cool. And don’t get me wrong, sometimes, it totally IS.

(more after jump.  click more)

(more…)

Ok, so occasionally I will scan thru the new trailers out there to see what films are coming out..
please if you can answer some questions for me that would be lovely…

Who the fuck will a. see this? b. pay to see this? c. not regret seeing THIS.

Why does THIS film featuring people speaking English approximately 10,400 years before the language was discovered?

I was just told THIS film has gotten horrible reviews, is that possible?

What the hell is THIS film about? I mean is it supernatural? Is it the new bourne movie? How does one make a bullet shoot .. non straight? Wha?

THIS might be the only film I am looking forward to.

So let’s just say this, Buenos Aires is not the city for you to go to if you love animals. There are wild cats everywhere, people eat tons of meat and there is leather everywhere. As I write this I am sitting on one of those butterfly chairs made of COW HIDE while my feet are up on a table that sits on a rug, also made of cow hide.

With that being said, before I came here, I was under the impression that they were giving away Philly cheese steaks and leather belts at the airport as a welcome Lei. This is not a complete lie but this is not completely the truth. They are quite fond of leather and beef here. Definitely more than any other place I have ever been to. And I have spent some time in Texas.

When doing my research, I do what any person would do. I watched tons of Travel channel. Particularly, that show Passport to Latin America starring Samantha Brown, the cute but not overtly sexy host.

When she went to Buenos Aires, she went to a leather shop called Uru, where she picked out a coat, the size and the color and got one made in 6 hours. So with hopes that I was going to get a full leather outfit, including leather pants, chaps, socks and glasses, I headed to Uru to find what I needed in leather goods.

(Samantha Brown minus the leather coat)

Let me say, I support PETA and believe that no animal should be treated cruelly. However, when in Argentina, act as an Argentinian, which means eating as much meat as they can throw at you and getting a custom leather coat.

So I go in, try on a few different “styles” of leather coats and find one that I like (the “Fidel”, I wonder if I am getting a Castro inspired coat). They fit me, which more or less means they measure me and realize I have short arms, I could have told them that. Then I pick colors. I wanted to go for something like Brad Pitt wore in Fight Club (um..) or something that didn’t make me look like I was cruising the Surf Club in NJ. It came down to two colors, a regular old black leather or a really light green color. I decided to go with the green.

She then looks at me and flippantly tells me that it’s made from baby goat. What? Huh?

I had no idea that walking into a leather shop, just like the one that lil ole innocent Samantha Brown did, would I be promoting the slaughtering of a baby goats. Nor did I think that they even made anything out of dead baby goats besides vests for angels.

So let’s just say, if you see me wearing a greenish light leather coat, don’t judge me, I was just following Samantha Brown’s lead … and look how sweet she is…

(PS No animals were harmed during the writing of this post)

(PPS I saw Evita’s grave. Pretty anticlimactic. However, the rest of the cemetery was fucking so cool!)

SO PLEASE CHECK OUT ALL THE POSTS I DID FROM THIS TRIP HERE.

Check below for some other cool things, picts, stories and links. Comment if you want..

You know what, I am tired of? (you know what really grinds my gears?) Crazy old women / men leaving fortunes to their fuckin’ pets. (read; Leona Helmsley).

Could you do something more heartless than fucking leave money to an animal? I mean really? Not too mention all the poor people in this country, there are literally entire villages, towns and cities all over this world, that could really use that money. WTF?

I mean I have trouble paying my rent and I have a friggin’ job and here comes this lady who leaves 12 million dollars to her fucking chow chow. To quote David Cross, ‘the terrorists hate our freedom.’ You know what? I hate our freedom. Little ol’ me, an American! I hate it! That’s all we’ve done with it? We’re fucking assholes, man. We…are…awful.”

Could you give a bigger “middle finger” to the poor people in this country by leaving 12 million fucking dollars to a fucking dog?

I mean how can poverty stricken countries not hate us? I mean, while people are struggling to feed their families, we are fucking giving away our gold coins to our fuckin parakeets, without being called out on it.

Also, Helmsley, that crazy flying twat, doesn’t leave a dime to her two grandchildren. I mean I don’t know her situation but can you imagine being in that family? No one with priorities so fucked up, deserve to have that much money. I mean I don’t particularly like most of my family but that doesn’t mean I would give them NONE of my millions why letting my dog eat golden snausages ™ for the rest of its short life.

UGH! OK I have calmed down. Now tell me how I can knock off that lil dog and gain some of it’s cash. please.

SAFO = Suck a Fat One.

Now that that’s said, here’s why:

I”ll never understand corporate America’s way of constantly fucking themselves and their customers at the same time. I know that there are measures put in place in most businesses to try to deter criminal behavior. But sometimes, I am left scratching my head over the pure boneheadness of these rules.

So yesterday, I went to Macy’s. Yes I went to Macy’s. I know, hear me out.. I don’t like Macy’s, where it’s located, the fact that it’s the biggest fucking department store in the country or the fact that everytime I walk in, I get barraged with toxic colognes and tourists smelling like toxic colognes.

With that being said, I only go to Macy’s:

a. It’s the only store that would give someone, like myself, a credit card.

b. My mom really always liked Macy’s.

c. They carry Ben Sherman and Fred Perry.

d. well, like I said, it’s the only place dumb enough to give me credit.

So I go to Macy’s. Walking around, listening to my IPOD and pretty much not finding anything that doesn’t look to guido-y or like I am a middle eastern club goer. Finally after about 45 minutes of walking around I find ONE shirt. Yes ONE SHIRT. So I bring it up to the counter and I meet “Dylan”. Total Douche Nozzle, rocking the Ed Hardy sacred heart shirt, spikey hair and hidden dolphin tattoo somewhere. (no offense to those rocking cool dolphins tattoos, if you exist)

“Hey, Um, can I put this on my card?”

“Sure. … Sign here.” He hands me that magic wand-y thing and nothing comes up on the screen.

“Hey Dylan, There’s nothing to sign.”

“Oh that’s cause you have been declined.”

Ok. so let me say this. Even though I have bad credit I know that I am not over due on my Macy’s account. I mean the only way I could spend 700 dollars at Macy’s is if they started a record store or started selling cinnabons.

So I get on the phone with the Macy’s people. They tell me that my account is past due 10 dollars. But I only have 80 bucks on my account. Ok.

“Well, can I pay Dylan here my 10 dollars so I can get this shirt, I have been in this store for like an hour now and the smell of Rocawear is making my eyes tear up.”

Sure. OK. Done, right? Nope. I hand Dylan my credit /debit card and he says.. “Well we only accept CHECKS AND CASH.” Checks? What the fuck? When did Checks become more valid than atm debit cards? I have one of those cards so I don’t have to carry around my horse checks with me. (yes side note: I bought checks with Horses on them cause I couldn’t stop laughing at them when I needed to pick new checks.)

“Well, you can go outside and use the ATM to get cash if you like.” What? The chances of me walking out of that door to pull 20 dollars out of my account so I can pay off my 10 dollar late fee so I can get a shirt I don’t need is pretty fucking slim.

What sort of good businessing is this? I mean? Why wouldn’t you let someone pay off a debt with another CC or ATM card if it’s not yours? Or let them pay with a check? This is ridiculous.

So here’s the rub.. I walk out. Whatever Dylan. I am ooooutta here. I get outside and realize that I don’t have my Macy’s card with me. You know what? Fuck them. Here’s a nice chance for me to divorce myself from ever having to return to Herald Square again.

I walk over to H and M find a 5 dollar shirt and buy it, realizing last minute that I don’t have my ID either. FUCK. So I go to the ATM, pull 20 bucks out. Head back into Macy’s and buy this stupid fucking shirt while paying off my ten dollar past due account so I can get my ID.  Mutherfucker!
Seriously, Macy’s CAN SAFO!!

Since I am a freelancer, many of my days are spent working while the other days are spent catching up on all the TV that I like and miss during my sometimes hectic work week. Everytime I hit the DVR, I find something that either makes me reconsider my thought process or something that really grinds my gears. So I figured I would write about them in a segment I am calling DEMONS in the DVR. Here is the first entry:

1. While watching the Colbert Report, the one with Bill O’Reilly on it, I noticed that my DVR kept stopping on these new Quizno’s ads. The ones that are made intentionally to destroy DVRS cause it’s just a single screen, saying something about a new Mesquite BBQ / Avocado soup or something! QUIZNO’S, I used to like you before you came between me and my DVR. Stop messing with it! Make real commercials or I am going to ostracize you and start prank calling all your tristate locations.! This is the reason that I already banned DEWARS!

2. While watching SNL from Saturday night, I noticed two things. One: whomever was the sound operator on that show, should be fired immediately. The sound cut out for almost 30 seconds during one skit and then for the first 45 seconds of one of AFI’s songs. Not that I really missed those 45 seconds but come on, haven’t you guys been doing this show for like 30 years? Get the mics checked. Two: Why is Unicorn not Unihorn? Does anyone have a good answer for me?
thanks.

Now I know my friends Joe and Milk will both bitch to me about this posting but come on guys, you are both from over here and you know that most of this is true. Admit it once and for all. If you do, I won’t ever bitch about it again.
So we don’t have to talk about this anymore, REASONS I HATE LA:

1. the new MTV show Twenty Four Seven.

2. the old MTV show Laguna Beach.

3. traffic (not the movie)

4. cause when people say there is great weather, nature and the beach, that also applies to Orlando Florida! And you wouldn’t live there!

5. during CMJ I ran into someone from LA who is the music ‘industry’, he manages a major star, and when I mentioned all the bands I was seeing, he looks at me blankly, as if to say, he doesn’t know who or what I am talking about and then says, ‘hey you going to the show we are sponsoring later?’ I say,’who’s playing? ‘ he says… ‘I don’t remember.’ ugh.

6. Brett Ratner

7. all the culture it has

8. it keeps stealing all my friends

9. A city that perpetuates this.

10. Doing research about LA, I found this little diddy: Famous songs about LA include:

* “Born in East LA”
* “I Love LA”

11. cause driving in a car is not supposed to be an excursion when you live in a city.

12. cause for all the nature, weather and beach it has, people barely take advantage of it.

13. cause 2am is not an acceptable time to stop drinking.

14. you are not what you own.

15. cause a friend of mine told me, way before Swingers came out, that he went to a party and a girl went up and asked him “What kind of car do you drive?”

16. Rampant materialism and waste.

17. casting (see this one bothers me a lot since I work in casting and I can always tell what shows have been cast in LA. I mean look at a show like LOST or HEROES, both shows I love but I think the cast is SO LA. Don’t you think?)

18. cause only in LA could they throw out a decent politician and replace him with Awnold.

(to make this fair) REASONS I HATE NYC:

1. Shitty weather

2. Materialism and elitism (yes i see the irony here)

3. Almost no nature anywhere

4. it’s dirty here

5. my friends from LA don’t live here

6. film work is not as predominant as LA.

7. we are not the porn central of the US

Once again, let me say, the opinions expressed in this posting are of just one person and most of them are sweeping generalizations. Not to mention, they were written by a sour old man who has never been loved by his parents.

Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

An open letter to my upstairs neighbor,

As much of a fan of Chris Brown and Gwen Stefani that I am, I am going to have to ask you to stop blasting them at 1am on a Wednesday night. I know the concept of other people in the world besides you and your friends is a hard one to hear but please try to listen to something besides thumping bass and the usual vapidness of your friend’s rhetoric. Please.

As you may or may not know, there are other people in this city besides you and your NYU friends. They inhabitat the very same streets you spit your gum on and walk by you everyday while you purchase your Prada sunglasses with your Daddy’s money. They may not look as cute as you and may not care about the guy you met on JDate but they exist. I swear.

The day you moved into our wonderful apartment building, I was unusually excited. I thought anyone could be better than the 90 year old woman who lived above prior. She once left the bathtub overflow while she lazily walked around her place. It wasn’t until I thought it was raining in my apt that I knew I needed to go up and possibly see if she had died in her bath. Fortunately, she was not dead. She had just forgot she was running a bath. Later she left me a thank you letter and a half eaten box of Milk Duds in a plastic bag on my doorknob. Maybe she wasn’t so bad.

Anyway, when you moved it, I thought, “Cool, young people. New friends, maybe.” However what I didn’t consider was the possibility of you practicing the 100 meter dash in heels or you singing along to Lionel Richie at 240am on a school night.

I always thought you were the least of my problems when it came to the Axis of Evil Neighbors. I mean you rarely play beer pong outside of my windown while smoking pot and drinking outside every night above the 45 degree weather mark. However, Apt 1 has decided to take the request of our management to shut the fuck up. Unfortunately, you did not seem to get that letter. Even when it was posted next to the vomit that sat in our stairwell for over a week.

Now as much as I would like to entertain the fantasy I had last night of coming up to your apartment with a loaded paintball gun and blasting you and your friends while you insipidly discussed your math grades, I choose only to write you this.

However, next time you run around in clogs, dance to TI or fucking bowl in the apt above mine, I am going to go upstairs and slap you across the mouth with my down comforter and knock those Gucci glasses of your face.

Thank you.
Management.