can explain how frustrated I get when I travel and bad things happen.

I am so tired of being upset that I am drained of all wit, humor and venom.

I will say that I was ( ) this close to grabbing someone over the counter at the Delta baggage claim area and fucking this woman’s face with my fist.

it goes like this…

a. I arrive 2 hours early to catch my 635p flight to LAX. I have approximately 30 minutes between landing in LAX and changing planes to go to Sydney.

b. I wait.

c. I get on the plane on time. It feels lovely to start the flight. I sit on the plane for 20 minutes. The pilot tells us that he has “some good news and some bad news.” Never a good sign, if I am on board.

Remember this part for later, it’s important. He tells us that only one of the bathrooms is broken and he couldn’t possibly have us fly across the country with having only one bathroom. (They do think it’s alright to have not offer us one piece of free food within that flight, or give us individual tv’s.) The good news is that even though we’re scheduled for a 6 hour flight, he can get us there in 5. So, we can at least waste 45 trying to fix the bathroom without us losing any time.

d. I wait. 45 mins. The pilot comes on and tells us we can get off the plane if we want to stretch our legs. Hmmm, that’s a new one.

e. I get off of the plane. It has now been an hour and half, which means I have already officially missed my flight. This is not a good moment for me.

f. 2 hours pass. We wait for a new plane. This is no longer funny.

g. We get a new gate and a new plane. We board.

h. We sit some more. He tells us that we need the proper paperwork for us to fly away. I was wondering if a napkin with the words “GO FUCK YOURSELF” will work. I am betting it doesn’t.

i. We then taxi for… 35 minutes. It has been 4 hours and ten minutes since my original flight was supposed to take off. Then the pilot comes on and says the absolute best / fakest enthusiast thing I have ever heard. “Just to let you know, we have been able to shave about 16 minutes off the flight, so we will make it there in 4 hours and 50 minutes now.”

really? who over the age of 15 months would be excited about this news? you mean, now I am only going to be 3 hours and 42 minutes late for my 14 hour flight to Australia? YIPPEEESS!

j. we take off. I curse the skies. I often wonder if I somehow got out of a plane that crashed and as a result destiny has been forever punishing me over and over with this incredible bullshit.. I am living the Final Destination movies over and over. Wash Rinse Delayed Repeat.

k. I land. I watched Star Trek. Still a fine movie as far as I am concerned. Rent it if you haven’t seen it.

l. I leave and get on line to find out what my options are. PS. If you don’t know it already. I hate LA. Sorry. I do. My options are this.. I HAVE NONE. I have to wait till 10p on Friday for the one and only flight to sydney. Period. that’s it. sorry. Oh yeah, here’s a hotel. this is also funny. they give us three meal vouchers. one is dinner, however, our check out time is 2p. um. so ? can I get that cordon bleu to go?

m. i go and pick up my baggage and my bag is WIDE OPEN. literally, my zipper is broken and three of my outside pockets are EMPTY. I go and talk to the baggage people, they tell me if TSA has been involved, they aren’t responsible for what is done to the bag. SO here I am, my bag is ripped, filthy and missing shit and this woman is telling me, NO ONE is accountable for it. What is this, the Bush administration?

n. Let’s end it here. I call delta. I bitch and bitch till they give me 200 dollars in a travel voucher and I am stealing internet from a nearby La Quinta.

really? oh yeah and it’s 6am new york time. wtf?