Thepunkguy

Ok so I know that I swore I wouldn’t see the film, 10000 BC. But walking around briefly this morning in between a meeting and work, I thought I would check this piece of crap out. And on top of that, Yancy convinced me that we might be able to sneak into another movie AND it’s a matinée, one of the only ones in Manhattan.

(this never happens in the film)

So I dragged my sorry ass to meet him at Kip’s Bay. Let’s say this to begin with, I didn’t have high standards for this movie. The idea that a movie taking place during this time in history and they were still speaking English was enough of a reason for me to not go and see it. But maybe, just maybe, they’d pull a Clear and Present Danger where they start speaking another language and that becomes English or give me some reason why they spoke this yet to be invented language.

Then again, maybe they wouldn’t.

If you haven’t read the novel this movie was based on (kidding), the story deals with some dumb ass post Neanderthal clan living in the snowy mountains. There is a wise woman who tells them that a ‘blue eyed’ girl will come into their lives and change everything. From there, there are journeys down into the valley, through Africa (I think) and then to Egypt or maybe it’s Bayonne NJ, who the fuck knows..

These people are living up in the mountains feeding on what I think is a steady diet of air, loneliness and a once a year hunt of a woolly mammoth.

About 40’s seconds into the movie, we are introduced to this GUY, who I am sure was happy to be cast as something that’s not a terrorist or a bad guy, (check his other credits.) He takes over the tribe after the main kid’s dad takes off to do something that isn’t revealed till later (but never explained why they didn’t tell everyone the truth to begin with). Then the blue eyed chick arrives. Then the main kid, let’s call him Jeff, is bothered by the other children in the tribe cause his dad sucks and like, totally left him, cause he’s like a total dick…

Anyway, Jeff and the blue eyed chick, let’s call her Amber Lynn, talk about puppies and their feelings of loneliness and stare up at the North Star together, holding hands. …

So here I am, 5 minutes into the movie, knowing I could have written better dialogue for it and still wondering why I paid 6 bucks for this disaster. Not only that but I couldn’t help but thinking every time they talked, that all of the words they were speaking didn’t even exist yet.. I.E.

Jeff - “I feel so lonely now that my father was a coward and left the tribe.”

What? Coward? Really, coward? Let’s quickly look up the origin of that word for a moment…

Coward comes from the french word coart, that means to have a tail. Probably originated in 1066.

Fuck you producers, director and writers.

Writers??? Motherfucking TWO writers? It took two writers to come up with this hunk of shit? Honestly, Did both of these guys, Roland Emmerich & Harald Kloser, never take a History class in their life? Did these two assholes use a dartboard and the alphabet to come up with the story for this?

Where did these fucking snatchholes get the permission to make films and spend millions of dollars to do so? I know about 200 real genuine artists, actors and creative people who would die to get there 1 million dollar films made and these douchecocks get to make a movie where they call actors Tic Tic and just say fuck off to every historical event that has ever happened?

Holy shit. Shoot me now. I am going to make a fucking movie that says America was founded by space aliens from China that thought that dogs were the smartest known species and that Abraham Lincoln was a droopy eyed depressed Basset Hound.

You know, I was going to write in detail and depth the 327 reasons I hated this film but let me for time and sanity sake boil it down to these few Historical inaccuracies that really fucking made me hate this cocksucking film…

a. So they spoke English, I mean I had to get over it some time. But the fucking total dick move they pull, is that when the blue eyed girl is stolen they go looking for her and come across this African?? tribe down in the bush that doesn’t speak English, except for ONE person, who seems to speak it fluently, even though he hasn’t had anyone to speak it with for something like ten years. Hey Assholes, if you’re going to make the main tribe speak English, why not have everyone speak English? What sort of sense does this make? Literally, everyone in the film speaks some Mesopotamian bs while these dudes who live WAAAAAY up in the mountains speak fluent fucking English… What?

b. Where the fuck are these people? We start up in the mountains which seem like the Himalayas, cross down into what looks like New Zealand and then over the Mohave Desert and then end up in Egypt. Is this some back to the future meets stargate, time ripple bullshit??

c. Do they eat, ever? There are scenes where they are like walking through the desert for DAYS without them every talking about food. These must be the Llama people of Old Amsterdam who can save food in fatty deposits located all over their body.

d. So woolly mammoths helped build the pyramids? So that’s who did it. Well I heard they are really easily trained. Down Dumbo, now carry this gold tomb up to the top. Good boy, here’s a carrot.

e. When Amber Lynn cries in one of the last scenes, her fucking eyeliner smears. I mean I know back in the day, this existed to some extent but really, eyeliner? She was a slave like two scenes before, do pyramid building slaves where eye shadow to construct tombs??

Whew.. How about this for a word of advice…

Don’t see this film.

I am done. All I need to know in this life is that New York City and all of its film making was invented by Paul Reubens (and the Ecuadorians.)

So much for the facts..