So I don’t know if you know this or not (which I think YOU do)… but I make my money as a casting director. Sometimes I do extras for film or print ads and sometimes I work as a casting director for commercials.

Now sometimes when I tell people this, I am a little embarrassed. Embarrassed, you say? Yes embarrassed. It’s one of those jobs that sound totally luxurious and cool. And don’t get me wrong, sometimes, it totally IS.

(more after jump.  click more)

Here is how a casting day is set up (more or less):

What happens is, the production company or ad agency will contact a casting office they have a rapport with and tell them about the job. “We would love to use you guys to help us find blahity blah for the new Appleby’s commercial, etc..” “We are looking for an ethnic couple in their thirties and a one armed man to play the waiter…” or something similar.

They will then send over the storyboard and whatever the notes they have, that were passed down from the director. And sometimes the manager of said casting place will speak to the director directly and he will give them what he wants from the casting session. “So I want the one armed man to come in, say the copy… (aka the script) and then I want the couple to laugh hysterically” or something like that.

So then the people at the casting place will call agents or actors directly to come in the next day for auditions.

Most busy casting places will have about 2 or 3 commercial auditions, voice overs or callbacks happening at the same day. So then they will call a freelancer, like myself to come in to run the auditions for the next day.

So if I get a call from anyplace the day before they want me to work, I never know what commercial I am working on. Sometimes this is fine. Sometimes, I need to mentally prepare myself for the insanity that will take place the next day. For me, kids and the elderly seem to give me the most trouble. Don’t know why that is. But I am sure you can guess.

So as I was saying, sometimes the job is totally great. I get to hook up all my friends, meet totally talented comedians, beautiful people and occasionally meet famous humble people. (read: Lucille # 1 from AD and Frank Whaley)

However, sometimes it is not. Prime example; Yesterday! I was hired to run a ’session’ for an unnamed salad dressing company. Usually what will happen, is they will call me up and ask me if I am available to work the next day. And I usually am, since I am freelance and am usually living from check to check like an 16 yr old.

Anyway, so I get a call on Friday, from one of the two companies I primarily work for, to work on Monday. I ask them what audition I will be running. They have no idea.

I wake up on Monday raring to go. The past few weeks I have worked on some really difficult commercials, meaning tons of people or just tons of blocking (movement and direction) or just plain boring ones (men talking to camera about shit I don’t understand.) So I didn’t know what I was in for. However, when i find out that it’s a salad dressing company, I think, “really how hard can this be…”

salad loves me

So I find out that i will see young pretty women (still not a problem) eating fucking salad.

That is it. I literally have to audition these women as they eat salad. Not only that but I have to give them direction while they are doing so. Also, they will be eating real salad all day long.

Below are a list of directions I gave 68 women eating salad..

“OK, now this bite is so tasty.”

“Slow down.”

“Quicker this time.”

“This bite is so fresh and flavorful.”

“Now this time it’s so good, it’s unexpected.”

“More real.”

More real. Seriously, more real?? Who’s the bigger asshole here? Me, for suggesting someone doesn’t know how to eat salad or them for eating “TOO big”?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’d say only one or two of these actors were not very believable eating salad. And for realz, I just got to give the director some choices here, which means filming actors eat salads for about 90 seconds while I give them direction. But really, did anyone really need to see them eat salad? Is there one actress that couldn’t adjust the way she eats? I mean couldn’t I just take pictures and get their names? Did we really need to see them eat salad??

Not to mention, I reek of fucking balsamic vinaigrette. REEK.

Anyway, the day sort of felt like it took an eternity to end I don’t think I can go near a salad bar for at least a millenia. From here on out, when people ask me what I do, I’ll lie. I tell them I work in porn. It’s easier.