SAFO = Suck a Fat One.

Now that that’s said, here’s why:

I”ll never understand corporate America’s way of constantly fucking themselves and their customers at the same time. I know that there are measures put in place in most businesses to try to deter criminal behavior. But sometimes, I am left scratching my head over the pure boneheadness of these rules.

So yesterday, I went to Macy’s. Yes I went to Macy’s. I know, hear me out.. I don’t like Macy’s, where it’s located, the fact that it’s the biggest fucking department store in the country or the fact that everytime I walk in, I get barraged with toxic colognes and tourists smelling like toxic colognes.

With that being said, I only go to Macy’s:

a. It’s the only store that would give someone, like myself, a credit card.

b. My mom really always liked Macy’s.

c. They carry Ben Sherman and Fred Perry.

d. well, like I said, it’s the only place dumb enough to give me credit.

So I go to Macy’s. Walking around, listening to my IPOD and pretty much not finding anything that doesn’t look to guido-y or like I am a middle eastern club goer. Finally after about 45 minutes of walking around I find ONE shirt. Yes ONE SHIRT. So I bring it up to the counter and I meet “Dylan”. Total Douche Nozzle, rocking the Ed Hardy sacred heart shirt, spikey hair and hidden dolphin tattoo somewhere. (no offense to those rocking cool dolphins tattoos, if you exist)

“Hey, Um, can I put this on my card?”

“Sure. … Sign here.” He hands me that magic wand-y thing and nothing comes up on the screen.

“Hey Dylan, There’s nothing to sign.”

“Oh that’s cause you have been declined.”

Ok. so let me say this. Even though I have bad credit I know that I am not over due on my Macy’s account. I mean the only way I could spend 700 dollars at Macy’s is if they started a record store or started selling cinnabons.

So I get on the phone with the Macy’s people. They tell me that my account is past due 10 dollars. But I only have 80 bucks on my account. Ok.

“Well, can I pay Dylan here my 10 dollars so I can get this shirt, I have been in this store for like an hour now and the smell of Rocawear is making my eyes tear up.”

Sure. OK. Done, right? Nope. I hand Dylan my credit /debit card and he says.. “Well we only accept CHECKS AND CASH.” Checks? What the fuck? When did Checks become more valid than atm debit cards? I have one of those cards so I don’t have to carry around my horse checks with me. (yes side note: I bought checks with Horses on them cause I couldn’t stop laughing at them when I needed to pick new checks.)

“Well, you can go outside and use the ATM to get cash if you like.” What? The chances of me walking out of that door to pull 20 dollars out of my account so I can pay off my 10 dollar late fee so I can get a shirt I don’t need is pretty fucking slim.

What sort of good businessing is this? I mean? Why wouldn’t you let someone pay off a debt with another CC or ATM card if it’s not yours? Or let them pay with a check? This is ridiculous.

So here’s the rub.. I walk out. Whatever Dylan. I am ooooutta here. I get outside and realize that I don’t have my Macy’s card with me. You know what? Fuck them. Here’s a nice chance for me to divorce myself from ever having to return to Herald Square again.

I walk over to H and M find a 5 dollar shirt and buy it, realizing last minute that I don’t have my ID either. FUCK. So I go to the ATM, pull 20 bucks out. Head back into Macy’s and buy this stupid fucking shirt while paying off my ten dollar past due account so I can get my ID.  Mutherfucker!
Seriously, Macy’s CAN SAFO!!